I have a secret, GUILTY, lesbian crush on Nicole Ritchie

I'm a straight girl and I like smart people. I’m not the kind of gal that goes for people based on looks, or how much money they have. It’s always personality for me. I like movies, TV, and all that, but I'm not one to make a big deal over celebrities. The only boy celebrity I think is any bit cute is Viggo Mortensen, but I haven’t seen everything he’s been in, and I don’t feel the need to watch every interview.

It’s secret because if I admitted to my girlfriends that I’ve hunted down every single television appearance (she’s been on way more talk shows than episodes of The Simple Life. I’m a member of the fan club) they would look at me odd, if over the age of ten. Unless they were male, then they’d probably say what my only male e-buddy I mustered the courage to tell about this crush said: “She’s a skank, but I’d do her.”

Here’s every single television appearance:

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - Guest - Show #2893 (2005)The Ellen DeGeneres Show - Herself - Ray Romano/Nicole Richie/Jesse McCartney (2005)The View - Herself - Phifer/Richie (2005)MADtv - Herself/Various - Episode #1011 (2005)Late Night with Conan O'Brien - Herself - 2011 (2005)Late Show with David Letterman - Guest - Show #2306 (2005)American Dreams - Lead Singer of the Exciters - Charade (2004)Six Feet Under - Herself - Untitled (2004)The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - Guest - Show #2757 (2004)Jimmy Kimmel Live - Herself - 6/29/04 (2004)Deborah Norville Tonight - Herself - June 24, 2004 (2004)Late Show with David Letterman - Guest - Show #2192 (2004)The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - Guest - Show #2725 (2004)Rock Me Baby - Amanda - Kiss and Don't Tell (2004)E!'s 101 - Interviewee - Reasons the '90s Ruled 20 - 1 (2004)E!'s 101 - Interviewee - Reasons the '90s Ruled 40 - 21 (2004)E!'s 101 - Interviewee - Reasons the '90s Ruled 60 - 41 (2004)E!'s 101 - Interviewee - Reasons the '90s Ruled 101 - 81 (2004)Eve - Karen - Valentine's Day Reloaded (2004)On Air With Ryan Seacrest - Guest (cameo) - 2/2/04 (2004)On Air With Ryan Seacrest - Guest (cameo) - 1/28/04 (2004)On Air With Ryan Seacrest - Guest - 1/13/04 (2004)MADtv - Herself - Episode #912 (2004)The Wayne Brady Show (syndicated) - Guest - 1/7/04 (2004)The Sharon Osbourne Show - Herself - December 18 2003 (2003)The Tonight Show with Jay Leno - Guest - Show #2615 (2003)E! True Hollywood Story - Herself - Rock Star Daughters (2003)Live with Regis and Kelly - Guest - 12/1/03 (2003)Punk'd - Herself - Nicole Richie, Wilmer Valderrama (2003)The Ellen DeGeneres Show – Herself
The View - Guest Co-Host - Spacek/Richie (2004)The View - Guest Co-Host - Fox/Richie (2004)
The 2004 Billboard Music Awards (2004) - herself/presenterThe 32nd Annual American Music Awards (2004) - herself/presenterThe 2004 Teen Choice Awards (2004) - herself/hostThe 2004 Teen Choice Awards (2004) - herself/hostMaxim's Hot 100 (2004) - herself19th Annual Soul Train Music Awards - herself/Co-HostKids in America -

And, um, if you know of more, can you, uh, comment please? *sheepish grin*

It’s secret because I can’t wait for her solo album. All I usually listen to is house/trance/techno/breaks…

It’s not guilty because I’m homophobic, sure I’d do a girl if the right one came along, but one hasn’t and guys turn me on, so that’s that. It’s guilty because she’s totally not the kind of person I admire in any way, yet I find her appealing to a dirty little part of myself. She lost her virginity at an older age than I did. I was 16. She said 18 on the Howard Stern show, they musta taught her something at them fancy schools. She was probably just trying to protect whatever overage guy she lost it to. Now that she's married it's a hotter, guiltier crush, but I don't feel like she's all mine when I look at her anymore. I guess I kind of see what some guys like in her. “She’s nasty, but I’d do her.” *guilty smile*

The lesbian part is obvious, I’m a girl. The thing is, she appeals to me on a girl to girl level. There's something intoxicating about unbridled, immature feminine energy.

We'd go well together, I’m a tomboy, she’s a frilly girly girl. She's rich, I'm poor. I’ve a cat named Killer, she has a dog named Honey Child…. how complimentary can ya get? I’m white and jewish and she’s black creole/mexican/white, how hot would we look together? Hotter than Nicole and bony lil' Paris, I'll tell you what...

Why oh why, do I have a burning deep crush on Nicole Ritchie? Because she represents the essence of celebrity – celebrity for celebrity’s sake - and I find it enchanting. She doles out her love and affection to her fans dutifully, and has no pretenses about being paid for anything else. Which is extraordinary, considering she doesn’t need the money (Nicole! Keep off the horse! It’ll steal yr rse and turn you into a ho, ya know what I mean?).

Most other celebrities feel that their purpose is to act, joke, sing, or do whatever made them famous in the first place. The thing is, once you’re famous, your job really is to put up with the masses and give pieces of yourself to them. And that’s what Nicole Ritchie does, with aplomb. It doesn’t matter that she’s a dumb, rich, image conscious, shallow, spoiled bitch. She’s smart enough to do what she does, and do it well, and for that. . . I think she’s hot. I’d do her.